Calling all Crowds: Query Comment Contest!
May 17, 2009
After seeing the success of QueryDay on Twitter and some of the great suggestions that came from it, I’ve decided to post a query letter I’ve written for my novel, Memories of Ys: Angel Down. Please read over it and tell me what you think about it in the comments section. I’m looking for any constructive feedback so feel free to say anything you’d like (short of a personal attacks, of course, but don’t hold back on on really useful thoughts). I have put some generic information in the greeting to make it easier to post and review.
In appreciation of your help, whoever posts the most useful critique of my query letter will get a $20 Amazon gift certificate. Contest will run until Friday, May 22, 2009. I will e-mail the winner, so please be sure to leave your e-mail address with your comment.
Thanks!
Dear Agent,
I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR, and I feel my book is in the same vein.
My story, a 93,800 word science-fantasy novel titled MEMORIES OF YS – ANGEL DOWN, follows an amnesic combat cyborg who is yanked from her life as a farmer and into a conspiracy to keep a millennia-old secret from being revealed, while trying everything she can do to protect the ones she loves from harm. The resurrection of her memories will end the civilization which created her.
I have attended and will be graduating with my Master’s degree from Seton Hill University’s Writing Popular Fiction program in January. While having lived in Florida for most of my life, I’ve traveled and lived in a variety of different places, including the site of where the city of Ys once stood off the coast of Brittany.
I am publishing a graphic novel version of my social fiction story CALLING HOME. It was a dialog only science fiction story written entirely within the social networking sites Twitter and Plurk. It can be found at http://callinghome.us
My entire manuscript is ready to be sent at your request. I look forward to hearing from you.
May 18, 2009 at 7:22 am
Interesting query! My suggestion would be to indicate or at least allude to who or what yanks her out of her current farmer situation, as well as to any antagonist. What kind of harm is she protecting her loved ones (who?) from? How will her memories pose this danger to destroy society? I wouldn’t add a whole lot, just a few more hooks that sound more concrete without giving away too much more.
Looks pretty good! The only other thing is that I would change “It was a dialog only science fiction story…” to “It is…” But that’s just me.
~Kimberlee
Kimberlee Ferrells last blog post..Writing Lessons From a Waitress: Introduction
May 18, 2009 at 7:31 am
Hmm, so then add some specifics pertaining to the story? That’s a good suggestion. I kept it lean since some of the references I saw out there had mentioned I shouldn’t put too much into the letter. I think I might have to re-think this approach.
Thanks for your comment!
May 18, 2009 at 11:04 am
Okay, I’ll take a stab at it.
You need a hook. Something that will grab whomever reads this and make them say “Oh, I want to know more.” It can be something about the world you created something about the stakes of your plot, something about what makes your character so unique that only you can write it. It’ll need you to channel the poet in you so make sure it is really well written. Not hard at all, right? I might suggest revealing what this millennia-old secret is, there is no need to attempt to develop suspense for your story. You need to let the agents know this story is unique for it’s genre and can sell.
I have gleaned that Ys is your main character’s name but that is not obvious in your letter.
Cut a sentence from the graphic novel part at the end. Just say you are publishing it and you can find it here.
May 18, 2009 at 11:18 am
My thoughts below:
I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR,
and I feel my book is in the same vein.
**You can add this for a standard query…for an e-query, the agents don’t want this at the beginning…they want the story at the beginning and this later.
My story, a 93,800 word science-fantasy novel titled MEMORIES OF YS – ANGEL DOWN, follows an amnesic combat cyborg who is yanked from her life as a farmer and into a conspiracy to keep a millennia-old secret from being revealed, while trying everything she can do to protect the ones she loves from harm. The resurrection of her memories will end the civilization which created her.
** How about: When a young woman’s family is killed, and strange men start hunting her down, she begins to question her life. But when she sprouts wings, she realizes her entire life is a lie and she is a part of a millenia-old secret.
**Or some such. I think you should keep her heritage a secret!!
I have attended and will be graduating with my Master’s degree from Seton Hill University’s Writing Popular Fiction program in January. While having lived in Florida for most of my life, I’ve traveled and lived in a variety of different places, including the site of where the city of Ys once stood off the coast of Brittany.
I am publishing a graphic novel version of my social fiction story CALLING HOME. It was a dialog only science fiction story written entirely within the social networking sites Twitter and Plurk. It can be found at http://callinghome.us
**I would take this out, as the agent is going to say, “So what?”
**Remember, the only reason you write a query letter is to make the agent sit up in their chair and say, “What happens?” Every agent approaches a query based on “Why should I care?” So you have to make them care–about the character.
My entire manuscript is ready to be sent at your request. I look forward to hearing from you.
**Okay, this is good because you’re telling them it’s complete.
May 18, 2009 at 11:45 am
Hi Alex,
Here are my comments/ suggestions.
Monica
———
Dear Mr./ Ms. Agent,
My completed manuscript is in the same vein, as TITLE by AUTHOR, a novel which you represented.
MEMORIES OF YS – ANGEL DOWN, my 93,800 word science-fantasy follows an amnesic combat cyborg yanked from her farm into a conspiracy to prevent the revelation of a millennia-old secret. However, the restitution of her memory will end the civilization which created her.
I will graduate in January 2010 with my Master’s degree from Seton Hill University’s Writing Popular Fiction program.
I have lived in a variety of different places, from Florida to the coast of Brittany, where the city of Ys once stood.
I am currently publishing a graphic novel version of my social fiction story CALLING HOME, a dialogue-only science fiction story for the social networking sites Twitter and Plurk. It can be found at http://callinghome.us.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
Best Regards,
A.S.
May 18, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Hey, Plurk buddy! I’ve listed a version and comments below. Best of luck to you, hope your manuscript finds a home!
Dear Agent,
What if you couldn’t remember who you were, and if you could get those memories back, it would destroy the world?
My novel, MEMORIES OF YS-ANGEL DOWN, tackles that question as (main character), a combat cyborg-turned-farmer, struggles to protect her loved ones as she’s dragged down into a conspiracy spanning the ages. She faces (list a couple of threats here, show the action) forcing her to make a choice; save her family, or rescue an entire civilization?
MEMORIES OF YS-ANGEL DOWN is a 93,800-word science fantasy novel, comparable to TITLE by AUTHOR. (Does this novel leave the door open for further adventures? Could you start a series with this character? If so, mention that.
)
I will graduate from Seton Hill University’s Writing Popular Fiction program with my Master’s degree in January. I also have a solid grasp of today’s marketing in social media; I was one of the first to publish an serial story, CALLING HOME, on both Twitter and Plurk. That story, found at http://callinghome.us, is now being published in graphic novel form.
My entire manuscript is ready to be sent at your request. I look forward to hearing from you. (Note to you: does this agent take entire manuscripts, or just partials first? Find out and list this appropriately.)
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
xxxx
May 18, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Great idea! I want to play… I will tell you, it’s very hard not to look at other people’s comments before I write this, though.
I would recommend taking out the very first part. I once heard an agent say he didn’t when people did this because it was like YOU were telling HIM what HE thought. I would either mention how this novel was requested (“It was a pleasure to meet you at…) or go right into the pitch.
As for the pitch paragraph, cut your first sentence into more than one sentence. It runs long. Shorter sentences would make the pitch more palatable and understandable. For example, end one sentence after “amnesiac combat cyborg.” The pick up a new sentence with “She is yanked from her life…” (or, if she has a great name, write her name instead of “She”). It might be a good idea to also dangle an interesting memory in front of us. Something like, “Especially when it’s uncovered that…”
Your third and fourth paragraphs seem to stand apart from each other. I think it would help to tie those together more fluently to create more cohesion. You go from talking about writing experience, to travel experience, back to writing experience. Reordering and re-paragraph-ing might help.
Of course, those are critiques done with a harsh eye, and any and all suggestions are at your discretion!
I enjoyed reading this.
Natalie
May 20, 2009 at 7:16 am
Dear Agent,
I am writing today because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR, and believe my new book is in the same chilling but compassionate vein.
My story, a 93,800 word science-fantasy novel titled MEMORIES OF YS – ANGEL DOWN, follows an amnesic combat cyborg who is yanked from her life as a farmer and plunged into a conspiracy to keep a millennia-old secret from being revealed. She must employ every programed and learned skill at her disposal to protect the ones she loves from harm after discovering the resurrection of her memories will end the civilization which created her — and perhaps those that lie beyond.
I have attended and will be graduating with my Master’s degree from Seton Hill University’s Writing Popular Fiction program in January. While having lived in Florida for most of my life, I’ve traveled and lived in a variety of different places, including the site of where the city of Ys once stood off the coast of Brittany. I am publishing a graphic novel version of my social fiction story CALLING HOME; a dialog-only science fiction story written entirely within the social networking sites Twitter and Plurk. It can be found at http://callinghome.us
My manuscript is ready to be made available at your request.
I appreciate your time and critical eye, and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Cordially,
Yadda Yadda Yadda
May 22, 2009 at 11:50 am
Excellent comments everyone! I’ll be picking the winner shortly and sending them an e-mail with the certificate.
I appreciate everyone taking the time to help me in what has to be one of the harder items for a writer to write.
May 23, 2009 at 6:47 am
Hello everyone! After careful consideration and looking over all the comments and awesome suggestions (I wish I could give everyone a little something to show some appreciation, they really were useful) plaidearthworm will be the lucky recipient of the $20 Amazon certificate. (look for it in your e-mail)
Thank you for participating and helping me out in making the best query letter I can.